What is Normal?

Is your child normal? My child is not. What is normal anyway? Normal is anything within the expected and acceptable range of behaviors. Kids with high functioning autism look normal but don't act or react to normal situations like every other kid. In fact they look so normal that people often have no idea that they are autistic. But the way they perceive the world is vastly different from your perception of the world.

My son is five years old, brown hair, and gorgeous brown eyes. He really wants to be social, he will run with other kids in a field or playground, he speaks well, and plays on the playground mostly like everyone else, but gets lost in how to play pretend with them. He is different, and you wouldn't catch onto it if you didn't know him. You might think, "that was a little strange", if you saw a behavior you weren't familiar with, but you'd pass it off that everyone's a little different. But meanwhile my son is struggling. Struggling with just how to react, how to fit in, what to say next, or maybe just forget it and walk away instead. It's more than what normal children go through, its a constant battle for him to conquer behaviors and exert self control. He often repeats words and phrases he hears on tv, movies and books.

He hears everything and sees everything. He will be playing across the room and I may be having a conversation with my husband. He hears and repeats what we say. We go out often. He notices things that others may not notice. Lately the thing he loves to point out are fire bells and fire alarms. We were walking back to the car after shopping at a Dollar Tree recently. He said, "Look at the fire bells, Mom!" I said, "Where?" He said, "Over there! Behind the little brick wall!" There was a brick pillar and sure enough there was a fire alarm red box located on the exterior wall of the building on the other side of the brick pillar.

He obsesses about the littlest things, he gets confused by too many words, he is easily distracted. He worries at the weirdest times. He had to go to the bathroom when we were away from home. He kept repeating that he didn't want to poop in a toilet that wasn't at home. He will shout out 88 when excited. That is his favorite number. He is like a 2 or 3 year old socially. He invades personal space, he is very cuddly. Doesn't understand difference between real and make believe. If he sees something on tv it must be real. That is what he thinks.

He can't read people's faces, and sometimes puns and jokes go right over his head. He will laugh with others though, hysterically. Sometimes he seems too happy, almost giddy to just be him. He will cooperate at times wholeheartedly, but other times you will have to bribe him just to eat a meal. He is eager to please mommy, but will also get my attention in negative ways on purpose. Like running away from me towards the street when I told him to hold my hand as we walk back home or to the car. He is very proud of himself, because he has already forgotten that I disapprove of this. He craves and demands routine. If his routine is out of whack, everyone around him will be sorry, because he will start acting out until you can reestablish the routine he is familiar with. He gets overwhelmed by sensory information like excessive noise, or commotion and will balk at going into busy restaurants. But at the same time he is the cause of a lot of our family's sensory overload.

I have been doing a lot of reading and have found there are many things that you can do to help a child with this diagnosis function better.

1. Use flashcards with pictures of people displaying different emotions to train your child to recognize these emotions on the faces of people in their life. That way the visual information they see in real life will be more easily translated and they won't feel so lost and can adapt to current situations as they encounter them.

2. Practice self calming techniques. Deep breathing, stretching, counting, a favorite small stuffy to squeeze, weighted blankies; all these things can help reduce stress when going into a situation or environment that makes the child anxious or scared or to help them calm down once they are triggered.

3. Every family has some sense of routine. If you have to go out of routine, explain it to the child beforehand and let them know when things will be back to normal. This way they have a sense of control because they know beforehand and can often "wait it out". If you visit family out of town like we do, even keeping their regular bedtime routine will help satisfy some need for normalcy.

4. Rehearse common conversations with your child so that making friends will be easier. Practice the basic, "Hello, how are you?" "I am fine, thanks." "My name is so and so, what's yours?" "Would you like to play?" Role playing like this with mom and dad will make everyday conversation with peers come easier.

5. Encourage the child with a one-track mind to be open to talking about other subjects. Work with them on several subjects they can talk to other children about to help them not seem so rigid. Teach them how to talk about what they like for a few minutes and then switch to a new subject to allow their friend to talk about what they like.

6. If a child with HFA gets overwhelmed by their environment or someone in their environment be willing to give the kid a breather. Taking the child outside for a ten minute break away from what is triggering them can often be enough for everyone to keep their cool. At restaurants, I will often have us sit at a booth or table in a corner away from the kitchen and other customers. Occasionally I have him wear headphones to muffle sounds in public places such as restaurants, grocery stores. He knows that I keep the headphones in my purse. I let him know they are available and it is up to him to decide if he wants to wear them. Often this is enough to help him regain control.

7. Don't protect them too much. Let them feel some physical pain. Let them get their feelings hurt. But be there to teach a lesson when it happens. These kids have a really hard time processing consequences and information from their environment. You can help them process what happened and learn from it to use for next time.

Each child with autism is a little different. They all have their own special needs and ways of functioning. Being there for your child is the best thing you can do. Accept them for who they are and they will show you just how special and unique they really are. Use every situation as a learning tool, but be careful not to squash their creativity. They often are "out of the box" thinkers and will surprise you with the neatest observations. These little guys see the world so differently than we do, and sometimes that is really cool.

Autism doesn't suck because my kid freaks out in loud places like restaurants and bathrooms because of noises. It doesn't suck because I didn't get the shopping done. It doesn't suck because my five-year-old has the social skills of a child half his age. It's not about what the autism means to me.

Autism sucks because my Little Dude often experiences the world as an unbelievably frightening, overwhelming, and stressful place.